Wednesday, May 24, 2006

UT Grad Slapped With Pancake

UT Grad Slapped With Pancake

By Hildegaard Johnson

Austin, May 21 - Recent University of Texas - Austin graduate David Gurney, 28, was slapped in the face with a pancake early Sunday morning. Mr. Gurney had been celebrating his completion of an MA in the Radio Television Film and Mockumentary Department with a reportedly fire ant-ridden party at his spare, two-bedroom home near the I Love Video on Airport. At 2am, the only cognizant person left at the party was Gurney's RTFM colleague Kevin John Bozelka, 35.9. The two decided to have coffee at the Kerbey Lane Café on Kerbey Lane (frequently referred to as "the Kerbey Lane Kerbey Lane").

The pair were greeted at the eating establishment with the announcement that peanut butter pancakes were the evening's special. Mr. Bozelka, a known gourmand, could not resist. However, upon seeing 360 degrees of thick, Skippy-filled decadence in front of him, Mr. Bozelka randomly asked the waitress "Have you ever seen anyone slap someone across the face with one of these?" At which point, the waitress grew excited and responded "No. But I would LOVE to see you do it now. In fact, I'll pay you if you do it right now." After several moments of deliberation, it was decided that Mr. Gurney's face would be the recipient of one well-swung peanut butter pancake for the price of $2 American.

The slapping did not take place immediately, however. "Hold on. I have to get the entire staff to see this," implored the waitress. As the two waited, Mr. Bozelka expressed concerns about the amount of potential pain involved. But Mr. Gurney reminded him that the pancake he would soon brandish in hand, while hefty, was little more than flour and assured him that no pain would be involved.

After a few awkward moments during which two Kerbey Lane employees stared eagerly at the pancake duo ("I've always wanted to see someone do this," admitted one waiter), an audience of six gathered around the table and awaited the slapping. "And I wanna hear it smack or you don't get the two dollars," warned the waitress who initiated the activity.

Mr. Bozelka grasped one pancake (from a stack of two), lined it up with Mr. Gurney's left cheek and slapped him right across the face. The first hit was rather dull and failed to meet the face with much impact. So Mr. Bozelka tried again, this time achieving a smack worthy of Joan Crawford in Female on the Beach. In fact, the panckae hit with such force that about one third of the cake managed to tear off. Mr. Gurney appeard to be in no pain. The look on his face could only be described as "dumb" - eyes squinting, mildly disoriented, as if he had just opened a compact and been lightly dusted with powder.

Unfortunately, the pancake did not make the requisite smacking sound and all who witnessed the event seemed to feel as if it were anti-climactic. After all, no one present had ever seen someone get slapped with a pancake and thus expectations were high. Still, the waitress came forth with the two dollars no doubt due to some deep-seated desire to perform this act on various customers.

It is unknown if any other patrons noticed the slapping. Mr. Gurney ate the pancake that touched his face, all the while maintaining that no pain was involved.

On the laugh-out-loud ride home, Mr. Bozelka asked "When will we ever grow up?"

Additional reporting by Walter Burns


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