M3GAN (Gerard Johnstone, 2022)

SPOILERS (of greatness not juvenile destruction of bodies)

I do too like horror; I just want it to be, you know, not horror, perhaps a musical. And I'd like it to be actually funny unlike The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (Tobe Hopper, 1974) which its legion of demented fans assure me is just knee-slappingly hilarious but have yet to explain exactly how. M3GAN (pronounced "Megan") (gotta love Wiki) is not only funny but it's also a musical! Finally - a horror franchise designed specifically for me!

The plot holes and confusing character motivation of the first third do not bode well. But after experiencing the remainder of the film, they're forgivable and even welcome. And I trust the preposterousness of the storytelling will get amped up in M3GAN 2.0, the sequel already planned for 2025 (make it sooner, though!). Eight-year-old Cady (Violet McGraw) loses both of her parents in a car crash. She moves in with her aunt Gemma (Allison Williams, also an executive producer) who works in robotics for toy company Funki known for their Furby-like creations. Gemma is either so career-driven or screenwriter Akela Cooper cares so little for exposition that it takes a good scene or two to realize that Gemma is indeed Cady's aunt and not some state functionary. She registers no emotion over the fact the her sister and brother-in-law have died in the car crash. That's because the filmmakers need to get to Gemma's project which she has been working on clandestinely at Funki - M3GAN (Model 3 Generative Android), a sentient, über-realistic child-size robot (imagine A.I.: Artificial Intelligence's David as an American Girl doll with a Sephora gift card burning in her Hermès handbag). This development happens pretty much all of a sudden and with no discernible explanation. And that's because we need to get to M3GAN, a horror character who surpasses Freddy Krueger in fierceness. 

Of course, M3GAN quickly becomes murderous in her capacity as Cady's protector. The film doesn't stint on gore and even has M3GAN waste the neighbor dog to prove the filmmaker's horror bona fides. But M3GAN also sings! She bursts into two songs to situate her violent actions in a context Cady can understand. And in the best scene, she dances! Before she kills Gemma's nasty boss David (Ronny Chieng, hot), she launches into sexy gyrations for the express purpose of having the scene go viral. And she does it to the classic disco track "Walk the Night" by the Skatt Brothers, a dripping-with-Crisco Village People variant not designed for widespread consumption. I couldn't care less about the opportunism on display here given how musical numbers from even the greatest classical Hollywood films scintillate just as much when they're cleaved from their immediate narrative casing. And the ploy worked - check out the dozens of TikTok dance challenges inspired by M3GAN's boogie. For me, though, all this camp activity deflects from the blood lust and sexphobic destruction that are the hallmarks of the post-Halloween horror genre.

My only qualm with the film is that it doesn't go further. Gemma and Cady should sing and dance too, especially during their reconciliation scene at the end. And would a full-scale choreographed number hurt? Depends on the definition of "hurt." A more musical M3GAN might throw off the balance and dilute the horror even further. I certainly wouldn't care if that happened. But that's clearly the tension the filmmakers have to deal with for the inevitable sequel since this has become a sizable hit, especially with the gays (bows). For now, though, let me register my excitement about this franchise and suggest some titles for future entries: 

M3GAN is Not the One!

M3GAN is Not What You Want!

M3GAN is Pressed!

M3GAN is Gooped, Gagged, and Plucked! 

M3GAN is the Answer!

The Exterminating M3GAN - In this one, she traps customers in a Sephora à la The Exterminating Angel

Faster, M3GANbot! Kill! Kill!

M3GAN vs. Megan Thee Stallion - the rap battles will be sick! Roxanne Shanté will executive produce.

Grade: A-minus